ALL CHANGE

Four days to go until I am officially unemployed. Phew! How nerve-wracking. I didn’t think I would be feeling quite as sentimental about leaving, when I resigned two months ago, as I do now. The X has been where all my proper, grown up experiences have occurred. This was my first ever permanent job. Whilst I have been working here Americo and I bought our first home, we got engaged and married. All this kindly funded (on my side) by my salary at The X. This job has been the first where I have had a constant, monthly income – I didn’t realise how much I took it for granted. There is nothing quite so satisfying as knowing that next month your bank account will, miraculously, be replenished!

Anyway, I have already jumped so, here’s to a thrilling ride, not to many bumps and a great adventure! Now I am shamelessly going to say that should any of you find yourselves in need of a virtual assistant, for a small fee, I am available at www.theprivatesecretary.co.uk.

In other news, life is very quiet these days with Americo eager beavering about with his MBA. In his words – one month down…….. 23 to go. Comforting thought is it not? However, we did manage to take yesterday off and enjoy the sunshine. On a whim we decided to go to Richmond park, leaving our car at Trevor’s house (in East Sheen.. though he will swear it is Richmond), from there to walk and find a spot in the park.

As we were leaving our car at Trev’s it was only polite to knock on the door and say a friendly hello. To be honest neither of us thought he would be up, after it was only 12pm. [Trevor takes sleeping to Olympic levels.] On this day however, we were in luck, they were up and active we had a quick catch up, outlining our plans for the day. As theirs were along similar lines they came to join us in the park.

What a blissful afternoon.

We lazed about eating, talking nonsense, playing cards – honestly, does life get more perfect? Good friends, great weather and food!

After a slumberous afternoon we played a little Frisbee. Sadly our chosen patch of park was not particularly geared up to running and catching; what with holes, rocks and deer turd (sh*te) littering the space making it all quite hazardous – and that is not even mentioning my lack of hand eye co-ordination, or my windmill running technique.

Americo on the other hand bounced about like an over grown Labrador, catching every Frisbee thrown his way, I eventually sat out just to watch him in action!

BIRTHDAY BLUES...

Oh NO! Tomorrow, Thursday 29 July, is my birthday and I have to admit to a fairly major struggle with this particular number. It is the big one.. the one I have been dreading since I turned 21 - the 25 PLUS day. You didn’t really think I would say it, did you?

Today I still look in my twenties however tomorrow I am petrified that I will wake up and cracks will have appeared. My body will, over night, have decided to wage war on my mental stability and have drooped, with my bottom hanging on the floor and boobs sagging down by my knees! My hair will turn grey and my face begin to resemble a London street map.

I am horrified about reaching this milestone, there are now people younger than me in the office, when I tick boxes asking for an age selection I have changed category. Even though I knew this day was coming, it still feels like a burglar has attacked and stolen the 2’s from my life!

However, I have made a decision, I shall embrace tomorrow for what it is .. just another number (see only ‘older’ people sprout that crap!) and then lie about what age I actually am! After all, in this day and age there is nothing that cannot be scrapped up off the floor and returned to its rightful position. And the road map? Botox baby, botox.

Studious Much?

Americo has started his long awaited (and much discussed) MBA. The MBA he decided on is ‘part time’, which means he has to study like a trooper between courses, then goes to an intensive, week long set of classes. These sessions are every few months and between time all students need to keep up their momentum. It is advised that 15 hours of study time are required, per week, in order to meet the MBA programme targets (never mind your actual work??). All I can say is, better him than me, I am more than happy to be the background person, ensuring he eats, sleeps and has clean clothes!

We are slowly getting ourselves into a routine; Americo is up at 5am every morning to hit the books for 3 hours or so before work. To assist with this EARLY start I prepare a thermos of coffee before bed so he has his caffeine hit, almost without opening his eyes! Saturday’s are also reserved for studying, whilst I diligently do the household chores and iron his shirts (a role I have always steered clear of) however in light of the rigorous study requirements anything to give us a little extra time.

Saturday nights and Sundays are our days of rest and relaxation, in preparation for the whole thing to start over again.

As part of the MBA everyone is encouraged to ‘work together’, so Americo has arranged a little study group and they get together at the house every second Saturday. It is all quite exciting and, aside from that shocking wake up I think Americo is feeling quite inspired by the whole thing.

And, I hear you ask, aside from playing Betty Home Maker, what am I up to? Oh, all kinds of intriguing things!

I have handed in my notice at my current place of employment and am looking to start my own little business offering Virtual Assistance to small companies and individuals who find themselves time strapped. We shall see how it pans out but, being ever the optimist, I am hopeful! Either way it is all very exciting and I am learning lots along the way. Plus, I have the added benefit of feeling happier than I have in ages.

The only fly in my ointment is the green stuff! Isn’t that always the case? Money, cash, hard – cold currently, whatever you want to call it, it really does make the world go round. And trust me, I kind of like the way my world spins!! So I shall be pulling out all the stops to ensure not much changes.

I shall keep you updated. Happy Monday.

TIME?

Sorry, sorry, sorry! It has been so long and, though I would love to give you some fabulous excuse, the truth is I have been busy. Anyhow, I am back now so get yourself a coffee and prepare to be in for a long one. I will get the serious things out of the way first and would like to confirm that, after many, MANY tests, my guinea pig husband has been given the all clear.

Since Americo’s ‘extreme fainting’ life has progressed at an alarming rate - we are already in June and my last post was April. I know, a shocking case of neglect. As per always SOOOO many things have been, and still are, going on…. we had all Americo’s tests, then our medicals for the Aussie visa (I cannot begin to explain how ‘over’ being poked and prodded Americo is!), the flooded house, my ongoing search for a bigger and better pay cheque. Where to begin? I think it will have to be with the ‘Flooded House’.

Finally there is light at the end of that very long tunnel, after months of not much progress things have bounded forward. Two weeks ago I did a stint of working from home so that I could manage the work and workmen at closer range. What bliss .. the working from home part that is! Anyway I digress, we had the damp proof specialists in, who (predictably) damp proofed the house but also, replaced the drenched joist and sprayed for woodworm. Since the house is already in a state, it might as well REALLY be in a state? A few days later two handymen arrived to refit the kitchen and do general handy man type things. I happily let them in, advised what needed doing and promptly went home to get some work done.

At about 3 that afternoon I got a call saying.. “Very sorry love, kitchen won’t be going in today, the new plaster on the wall is too thick and has pushed out the cupboard” (there by pushing out the next one.. and the next – I am sure you get the general idea), “Ok” I responded, “what can we do about that?”
“Well, I have removed what I can and for the rest I will need a power chisel. Think it might be best if you come have a look”.

Back I rushed to the house - I am beginning to feel like a yo yo I am there so often! I must mention here I am nothing if not determined, and trust me, I was determined that, come what may, the kitchen would be installed. Once at the house I saw the problem and realised that he was, unfortunately, not exaggerating the situation. A power tool was required but .. where, OH where, to get one? I called Americo and he started searching out our options, then I had an epiphany. I walked back into the house, looked at our two handymen and advised “just give me 15 minutes.. I am going to go find a power chisel”.

Down the street I walked and noticed all kinds of busy and industrious work going on. Well now, I believe I have found the answer to my problem. I mosey on over to one of the houses and ask, if by any chance they have what I am looking for. Sadly all that female anguish was completely wasted as the gentlemen could not understand a word of English. Undeterred I march over to the next house with building operations. Feeling slightly desperate I explain my predicament to the next crew, unfortunately they didn’t have what I needed either but very helpfully suggested that the electrician might.

They asked me in and, I will admit to a certain amount of apprehension about a lone woman in a strangers house with no means of escape, luckily The Man (god bless his socks) appeared at the top of the stairs and, with much distressed hand waving, I outlined once more that “My kitchen has been out of commission for a week. I have the men here to install it and there is a problem.. please, please do YOU have a power chisel that I could borrow for 30 minutes”.

My new found bestest, best friend not only lent us the chisel and accessories but drove me back to the house and dropped it off. You should have seen the faces as I walked in explaining that Gary had very kindly brought us the required equipment and therefore we now had no reason not to have my kitchen fitted! Americo was also suitably impressed and so, a happy ending was had!

I am sure you will be pleased to know that my postings on our broken house will shortly be at an end … with the next instalments on the house geared towards finding new, hopefully less crazy tenants.

Until then – a happy, sunny weekend!

The Trauma!

I am not sure if I have mentioned this before but every Thursday night Americo heads out to play football. Come rain or shine (and occasionally snow), in sickness or in health – Thursdays are religiously reserved for football.

Last week Americo stumbled through the door with a pronounced limp complaining loudly about the tackle he received. As far as I can tell two bruisers rumbled my dearest husband and, in the process, sandwiched his thigh between their two knees. Ever the sympathetic type my comment was along the lines of … ‘thought football was a no contact sport?’. (Aside from all the kissing and arse grabbing that is!). Nevertheless, we went to bed without too much drama and, in fact, a little bit of comedy as I watched Americo haul himself up the stairs moaning about the pain he was going to be in the next day. And they say exercise is good for you?

At about 4:45 in the morning I woke to Americo heaving and sighing and rolling about. Being the morning person that I most certainly am not, I ignored him as best I could until he requested I find some painkillers. Mumbling all kinds of nasty things about him over doing it blah, blah, blah, I made my way downstairs to grab the meds from my bag. With eyes firmly closed I clambered back to our room passed the pills to Americo and gratefully sank into bed. A few minutes later Americo was still fidgeting about when I suggested we turn off the light….

… from here my memories get a bit fuzzy, he rolled over and lay on his back - then he just went stiff as a board and started snorting and shaking. I thought he was choking on one of the pills. Logically I knew that he had taken the pills a few minutes before so that couldn’t be it, but equally, logic could not explain to me what the hell was going on. All I know is that in that moment I was terrified. Terrified that something might happen, terrified that I couldn’t help.. just hopelessly terrified for this beautiful man who I love beyond words.

I grabbed Americo and hauled him onto my lap, trying to manoeuvre him into a position where I could try and get him breathing regularly again, calling to him and telling him to relax. After a few seconds (which seemed like eternity) he relaxed in my arms and, although confused, was compis mentis enough to confirm emergency services would be required.

It is funny the things you remember, I remember saying “Do we need to call 911” and then correcting myself and saying “Not 911… 999. 911 won’t be any help!”. Americo had another two episodes after the first and I cannot tell you how petrified I was that he would stop breathing and not come back to me. Here was my big, wonderful, husband taken over by something that I could not see or control.

The emergency services were fantastic. They answered almost immediately, the lady stayed on the phone with me until the paramedics arrived and they (the paramedics) were with us within 15 minutes. Thank you.

I am happy to say that since the anomaly Americo has been fine, of course I have been hovering over him like a hen but so far so good.

At A&E they did a CT Scan and ECG, both of which came out clear. We have since been to the Neurologist who is referring Americo for an MIR and EEG(??). He thinks (and I really hope) that the episode was some type of extreme faint triggered by the pain Americo was experiencing. However they are not leaving any stone unturned before giving a full diagnosis.

A reminder to all of us who take our health and happiness for granted. Our time together is finite - be gentle with your partner, don't pass up that quick kiss or last touch!

THAT DAMN LEAK..

A few weeks ago I mentioned the leak at our tenanted property and all the chaos that has ensued. Sadly the saga continues with either Americo or myself at the house every week with the drying company checking on progress.

The problem is monumental and seemingly never ending. With the continual bad news ranging from “it is taking MUCH longer to dry than initially anticipated” to “hhhhmmm ‘aving looked at the damage it seems we will ‘ave to replace all t’a flooring”. To our latest dilemma .. “I think you need to get a surveyor to look over the problem”. The hits are now so consistent I have mastered my banal smile and “thank you SO much for coming!”

Our tenants have, admittedly, been brilliant about this inconvenience for which I am exceedingly grateful. However this blog is not about any one else but.. ME and, occasionally, Americo! So we shall continue, without further procrastination, into today’s blog.

As I revealed a few posts back our tenants are not so convivially married. Since the leak I have had more contact with them (.. well the wife) than any other landlord known to mankind… and for all the wrong reasons! I seem to have become counsellor and confident to her.

How I managed to fall into this role is beyond me and, due to the overall bizarreness of our relationship, somewhat odd! Regardless, for the last 6 weeks she has called or texted sometimes every day, maybe once a day but certainly every other day. I, in turn, have struggled with my natural compassion whilst trying to keep our relationship on a friendly, but business footing.

Needless to say I seem to have failed! I am now fully acquainted with the inner workings of her mind. I familiar with her relationship history - current and past, education, family … basically I am, as they say, in the ‘Know’.

However as ‘in the know’ as I am, I was completely sidelined when she called up last week with the below request.

Wife:- “Hi – blah blah whole lot of mundane how are you yadda yadda.”
Me:- “Response to the mundane – yes fine, hope to have the machines out the house.. sorry for the inconvenience etc.”
Wife:- “I am now moving out on the 27th, my new flat has been confirmed.”
Me:- “Oh good, congratulations. You and have made a plan re rental of our property….(see how professional I was?)”
Wife:- “Anyway, I just wanted to check how big your car is?”
Me:- “mmm why?”
Wife:- “Well to make sure it will fit all my stuff when you help me move out next weekend.”
ME…………………?*
* picture a fish out of water, mouth opening and closing A LOT whilst trying to make sound come out!

And this, good people, is my life! I am not sure if I invite all the crazy in or if it just seeks me out, but find me it does.

ABOUT THAT DISCUSSION....

The other day I thought it would be quite fun to have a review of my Blog and, I am sad to report, there has been a definite slide in postings! I would love to suggest that, due to all the fabulousness of life, I have neglected my favourite hobby (how I wish this were the case). Instead, I fear that my recent restlessness is to blame, I realise that change is coming – but really, it is just not FAST enough!

As I am sure you can imagine there are so many debates and conversations on the pros and cons of this and that, that you eventually begin to wonder … what did we decide on in the end?? Before I proceed I should bring you up to date on the main topics;

Australia:- We are progressing with our application so the major point on this subject is, how long before we get a yes or a no? It could be anywhere from 6 months to 3 years and, of course, there is the change in regulations .. complication!

MBA:- Americo wants to do his MBA and so has to decide on a university. Discussion Points:- Which Uni? Should it be correspondence or part-time? Where will we be? The questions on this are endless, but I think you get the general idea.

Ex-Pat Work:- Basically this is an unwelcome complication to the ‘game plan’! I am desperate to leave the UK, having now reached the proverbial “end of the line”. Logic says what is one more year.. or two? However, the illogical side, is clamouring to be heard and says – NOW, immediately, pronto, with great haste…. Lets get packing.

The other night Americo and I were discussing the merits of doing his MBA course by correspondence versus part time. I was quite charmed with the idea of correspondence, my mind skipping excitedly ahead, already anticipating our departure from these muddy shores! The next day I helpfully hit the Internet seeking out expatriate job opportunities and e-mailing them to my dearest. After a couple of days, feeling somewhat disappointed by his lack of enthusiasm, I broached the subject over dinner.

He looks at me, quite perplexedly saying… “Why are you e-mailing me all these jobs anyway? We agreed that I would do my MBA.”

I gaze back, equally confused, saying “Yeeees, by correspondence.”

By the end of our debate what we realised (and I have a particular talent for this) is that I had basically advanced our conversation much further. To my mind we had already agreed that expat was the way forward and I, accordingly, had proceeded with this plan, in the happy knowledge that Americo would know exactly what was going on.

Americo, on the other hand, was feeling slightly confused .. wondering why I keep changing the goal posts. Only, in my mind, the goal posts are exactly where they were supposed to be!

As in the story of the World War One message, which started life as "Send reinforcements, we are going to advance". It was then passed, verbally, from one runner to another and, upon reaching its destination, came out as "Send three and fourpence, we are going to a dance" .. a clear sign of ex-communication ……!

STOP THE WORLD

They say things happen in threes, my first disappointment occurred the other week when, purely due to my own stupidity, I was not called back for a second interview. Oh woe is the world of instant communication, one little slip of the curser and hey presto I attached the wrong resume complete with a word missing… Sadly there is no excuse aside from paying more attention to work rather than finding work. Hey ho, the search continues.

Our second frustration is that Australian Immigration is doing a complete revamp of their points system, tightening up their borders and attempting to dissuade any waifs and strays from applying (unless highly educated!). This puts quite an obvious spanner in our plans as we do not yet know what the changes will be and, potentially, we may not have enough points to complete our application. However, we live in hope and are therefore ploughing ahead with gathering the information they require in the hopes that we might get our papers through before the changes. To that end Americo is writing his English test this weekend – a highlight in his life, I can assure you! He is feeling very hard done by that due to his Portuguese passport he clearly does not fully comprehend the lingo! Personally I am very smug with my British passport … no test required as CLEARLY, I speak the Queens English.

Now for the icing on this cake of woe..

The other day we popped over to our tenanted property as the washing machine was leaking, whilst there the tenants mentioned that the floor was lifting between the kitchen and the dining room. About two weeks later, having finalised suitable dates for the handy man to go forth and repair, we got a call……

The handyman explained that the problem with our floor is that there appears to be a leak, somewhere, which we will need to have seen to. Happily he carried on with his repair job regardless, only calling us after completing the work; I would liken his efforts to putting a band-aid on a severed leg – but I digress. We get the call and both realised that leaks, under the floor, are never likely to be good news. Although everyone else seemed quite casual about the prospect of the house floating off into the world!

Unable to get hold of the tenants we dashed over to see if they might be there, thankfully they were and that is where the good news begins and ends.

They pointed us in the direction of the leak, from a metre away I could hear it gushing out of the pipe, unseen and creating all kinds of havoc. We immediately called our insurers, spending the rest of the weekend in dialog and between one house and the other. Arranging a hotel for the tenants as water had to be switched off at the mains. Needless to say it was all incredibly stressful and highly dull to write about. The end result is this…

.. Two thirds of the floor needs to be replaced, the joists are soaked, dehumidifiers need to be brought in - all in all I am considering alcoholism as an escape route from the chaos!

You would think it ends there, but no.. the renters are having marital problems and it seems I have been relegated to the post of agony aunt. I am not quite sure how this situation came about as, quite frankly, I have some fairly major issues of my own. However, she is kindly keeping me updated with regular text messages highlighting the ruin of their relationship.

No, no, life really could not get much better than this!

In the News today..

Occasionally I find some little gem in the news that has me giggling on my way to work. Today’s was about Tesco implementing a dress code as shoppers in Cardiff have been tumbling out of bed, throwing on their slippers and heading off to do the grocery shopping. Brilliant!

I know this comes across as incredibly snobby.. but, I’m okay with that.

What has happened to personal pride? Surely having made the effort to leave the house it’s not that much of an ask to take a shower and get dressed. I would be mortified if I were caught slobbing about my local grocery store in dodgy old slippers, hair yanked back. Actually, it is not so much the pyjamas, I think, for me, it is more what this represents, the slovenly action of being too lazy to make an effort. That this is a regular way of life.

So, have a read and let me know your thoughts.

READ ME

THE BATTLEAXE...

Our dear friend Trevor moved off to the bright lights of North Sheen about a year ago. He and some friend rented this beautiful house, in a quiet neighbourhood..

Not long after they had moved in Americo and I went to visit, London streets are notoriously awful for parking so we were thrilled when we noticed a parking space virtually outside their front door. Yay! We zipped in and dashed into the house.. not before noticing this little old biddy staring murderously at us. Oh well. We mentioned the crazy to Trev who explained that she is very territorial about anyone parking in front of her house… Even though she has no car… and potentially visitors!

Anyway, this Sunday we thought we would pop in and see Trevor – it was reasonably early in the evening and, surprisingly, there was loads of parking. As we weren’t sure he was home Americo idled the car whilst I jumped out the car to bang on the door. Unfortunately my knocks went unanswered, along with calling through the letterbox. Anyhow, I turned to go back to the car when the Battleaxe (as she will now be referred to) came charging out the house.

“Move your car, Move your car.”

Jump back lady, clearly not staying long as the engine is still on (ready for our fast get away from the madness!). I got back in the car and Americo, having witnessed this bizarre behaviour asked what was going on. I explained that she didn’t like where we were parked, even though, only the nose of the car could have been venturing anywhere near her sight.

There she stood, the crazy old coot, in her blue dressing gown glaring at us through her living room window.

We thought we would give Trev one last call before heading for home (tenacious aren’t we?). He hadn’t heard my knocking as he was somewhat preoccupied, hurling his guts out in the toilet. What can I say, we have perfect timing. But don’t go feeling too sorry for Trevie, it was all self induced!

So The Battleaxe watched us get out the car and, not wanting to loose her opportunity she pounced as we reached the door. Shouting in a heavily accented voice to “move the car – move the car!”.

Mmmmmm, I rushed the house, Americo pretended oblivion and Trevor was too dazed to take anything in!

Seriously! Has no one ever heard a teaspoon of sugar does a lot more that a bottle of vinigar?

SUNDAY, The new Saturday?

Sunday’s seem to have become our new Saturday but sadly Monday is still… MONDAY! This has been quite an emotional week for me, I had an early morning meeting about some things on Tuesday – sounds mysterious, doesn’t it? When I know the overall outcome I promise to share, but until then I don’t want to jinx it.

Saturday we went to Sara & Colin’s for his birthday we had a lovely evening but I somehow ended up as designated driver. I find driving in the UK an incredibly traumatic experience. My palms get sweaty, my heart races and the thought of over an hours drive home is enough to give me palpitations. Americo thinks I am absolutely ridiculous, which in turn leads to more stress! Anyway, homeward we drove, me shaking like a jelly whilst Americo quietly criticised. He will say he doesn’t but I KNOW HE DOES!

Weekends, for us, are no longer time spent to lounge about accumulating a big arse. Oh no! Things need to be done and, with our hopes for Australia, Saturday & Sunday are our only times. Saturday was spent doing all the mundane chores that I knew we would have no inclination towards on Sunday (washing, cleaning .. ugh) whilst Americo industriously updated his CV etc. Then it was time to party.

Arrived home just after 3am, both having survived the hair raising journey. To be honest, I think I was the only one truly terrified!

Sunday dawned (well we woke up at 11), grey and slightly less miserable than last weekend but not much of an improvement. Off we went to Storme & Ian’s, who had very kindly agreed to sign our Wills, just so there is no confusion about what to do with all our debt. Even more kindly, they invited us to an early dinner - meatballs and treats, we were completely spoilt.

We popped round to Trevor’s but I feel the experience deserves a whole post with a little more dedication than I can give it now.. back tomorrow!

HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?

Pearl, my great friend is about to be off on her travels to places .. exotic. I must admit to being somewhat jealous as she follows the sun around the world; however I am hopeful that we will be following shortly. Anyway, as she is packing up and shipping out I am the grateful recipient of all her pot plants. Early on Saturday morning Americo and I dragged ourselves out of bed to collect our hire van and then onwards to Pearl’s. The morning dawned, grey and cold, with our TomTom refusing to registering the morning light as daytime, preferring to stay on evening colours!

We arrived, on time.. a concept Pearl is unfamiliar with and consequently she was still abed! I am sure she was only too thrilled to find Americo & I on her doorstep. Well.. I believe the actual image that greeted her was me squealing and running for cover as Americo stood like king of the hill, pelting me with snowballs. The minute she unlocked the door, without a hello or by your leave, I stormed the house! Surprisingly we did actually manage to load the plants into our van albeit with the odd snowball flying wildly. I have to mention here that in snowball fights my aim, generally rubbish, is even more impaired when under pressure. I was thrilled therefore when I managed to wallop Americo with a snowball that glanced off the van and down his shirt. JUSTICE!

It was a very slow drive home, by which stage the weather had deteriorated to a constant icy drizzle. The two of us, looking very woe begotten, unloaded the van of what seemed like millions of plants then surveyed our garden and wondered… what the hell do we do now?? I suggested that they looked perfect where they stood, kind of arty. Americo (as always!) had other ideas, no time like the present, so we set about recreating our patch of yard.

I am happy to announce it looks lovely the hours of toil paid off, but by the end of it we were drenched, muddy, cold and numb. When all was done we both stripped off at the door and ran, naked, upstairs into a steaming hot bath, curious neighbours be damned!

WELCOME.. 2010

A Happy New Year to one and all! 2010 has blown in on rather a chilly wind with snow engulfing much of the UK. My New Year’s resolutions remain much the same, enjoy life to the fullest, carry on as I have every year, NOT give up smoking … unless absolutely necessary. This year though there is a variant from my usual theme; 2010 is our year of change, I am expecting great things from the next twelve months.

As I am sure I made you ALL aware Americo and I went to Australia for Christmas. Put simply, it was bliss! We had the most wonderful time with many special thank you’s to all our friends; the holiday would not have been the same without you! There are so many highlights from our trip that I barely know where to begin.

Our first destination was Airlie Beach, the gateway to the Whitsundays and the Great Barrier Reef (well the start thereof...). After so much travelling I have to admit our first day was a wipe out, mostly spent doing … nothing! Unfortunately our vacationing times coincided perfectly with the arrival of stinger season. This is basically when nature’s most venomous jelly fish go on tour, cruising the seas of Northern Australia and turning all potential swimmers turn into extra’s from the Teletubbies. Let me explain… To avoid getting zapped by the poisonous tentacles of the jellies you wear a stinger suit (hahaha – see what I mean!), this covers you from head to foot in thin lycra (very unforgiving) and turns a beach full of sun worshipers into a horrific version of the children’s TV show.

Anyway, we went to the Great Barrier Reef, snorkelled and saw many fishies, the biggest of which was George the Grouper weighing in at HUGE (9 feet long and 300kg). For your benefit I have scoured the net and found some photo graphic proof … although they truly do not do him justice. He was described to us as the size of a cow with no legs and though I scoffed that was actually pretty apt.

Our next tour was a trip round the Whitsunday islands finishing off at the beautiful Whitehaven beach. This has now become Americo’s all time favourite beach, in the world, with crystal clear waters and silicon sand. I will have to dredge up a photo of my own Teletubbie waddling down the beach in his flippers!

Now we come to the Kayaking…. I can see many of you shaking your heads in wonder that I would EVER agree to do something so physically strenuous. All I can say is .. it had good PR. To be honest the kayaking was my idea, I had the rather idealistic image of Americo and I paddling about the ocean with not a care in the world. Anyhow after some research a full day’s kayaking would equate to 14 kilometres of hard work, I looked at my dearest husband and suggested that, possibly, the half day would be a more sensible option. This is where the PR comes in.. Both Max and Americo sat there smirking and selling the benefits of a full days excursion with lines like “don’t worry Zanna, it is not like you will actually DO any rowing”.

HA!

My ideals of a romantic time for two were shattered, Americo turned into drill sergeant extraordinaire and thus I spent the day rowing like a demon.

They suggested biking the next day… needless to say I gracefully bowed out and went for a massage!

GOODBYES

We are once again alone in the house as my friend has moved back to her home. I was sure that she would be marked by her experiences of living with us and had a little chuckle when she wrote the other day to confirm my suspicions. To give a bit of back ground..

Americo and I have lived in our home for just over a year and, in that time, we have basically … moved in. I have only recently put photo’s in picture frames, being somewhat decorationally challenged, amongst other things!

For the first year we had not one curtain - until my mother came to the rescue providing cover for all our downstairs window requirements. The rooms on the second floor however are still open to the neighbours, should they have an interest to peek. It is in one of these rooms that my friend has been living for the last few months.

In case you haven’t already guessed a curtainless room does not a sanctuary provide! There is no chance of wandering about naked, well .. not unless you are VERY still, in the crouch position, behind the bed, in one corner. Basically, much more effort than reward! So she devised a routine whereby she would take all her clothes to the bathroom, shower and then get changed in the corridor (spare bathroom is V.small) – safe from any neighbourly curiosity.

Anyhow, she has now moved back to her home and e-mailed me the other day saying..

“Had my shower this morning, grabbed my clothes and headed into the hallway to get dressed……. Then realised……. I HAVE CURTAINS!”

Hehehe

I am waiting to hear what other lasting effects living with us will have had!

THE CRAZY..

What do you do when you feel the blue haze of panic rising up to meet you with arms stretched wide, ready to drag you into the void? Hmm, what do you do, indeed!

Over the last few weeks things in Zim have been progressively unravelling – the Unity Government is not looking quite as united as it could be, farm invasions have recommenced and bodies are turning up.. having perished from slightly more than natural causes…. With all this resumed activity I have to admit to being somewhat anxious about my parents well being. Which brings us to why I was teetering on the edge of the void..

I haven’t spoken to my folks for a few weeks (no major panic there as my sister chatted to them last week) but I thought I would check in on Monday.. Tuesday.. Wednesday – by now I was desperately dialling.. nothing, nothing, nothing. No ringing, no dial tone just a disembowelled voice advising that the ‘line is unavailable at the moment’. At this stage I am almost obsessively calling; mom, dad, dad, mom - over and over, just on the off chance that I might get through, frustratingly, still nothing.

I could feel my grip on reason slipping and panic blooming in its place, time to control The Crazy! Unfortunately once the door to Crazy has been opened it is considerably harder to shut. It feels as though you have been torn in two, with your neurotic self throwing up awful questions, whilst your saner, lucid self sits back unsure how best to proceed.

So Mom & Dad, feel free to call your youngest, most recently married daughter - as she is only just in control of The Crazy!! – love you xx.

Where has 2009 gone? It feels like just yesterday that I started up my little bloggy and all of a sudden a year has flown by, with no consideration for my sanity.

So, have we all achieved what we set out to achieve when 2009 began? I can truthfully say YES I HAVE! I have continued to smoke, drink and enjoy life to the full – which you will find were all my initial New Years resolutions. The only thing I have tripped up on is the exercise… I did some. Horror.

Anyway, I am sure you are all thinking I am mad, complaining about the impending doom of 2009 when we are still in November but, seriously, we only have 5 weeks until we are off to Australia. YAY!! So I have to cram all my Christmassy things into that time – buy presents to be sent home, organise final dinners, last minute holiday shopping blah, blah, blah.

I have just sent the e-mail invitation to our annual Christmas party, with our numbers swelling this has had to be moved from a home event to a pub. I can just see my dearest of husbands’ eyeballs bulging at the suggestion of a small gathering of over 25 people in our house! Nope, much more sensible to have a ding ding dee (party) at the bar – less chance of running out of booze!

AN HONEST JOB DESCRIPTION?

We are looking for a new professional at our office and I briefly assisted with wording the Job Description that is about to be published. Thing is, JD’s, like CV’s are an interesting blend of fact and fiction! The facts are obvious, you will be required to do X, Y and Z. The possible fiction is in the description….

Our charming, charismatic CEO is looking for XXXX to join our flourishing team. The role will be challenging with a diverse work load. Yadda, Yadda – I am sure you’ve all seen this before. Once you read a few JD’s you begin to sift through the make believe, for instance, the minute a person’s characteristics are over exaggerated you immediately apply the “opposite theory” – charming and charismatic begins to resemble awful taskmaster with an axe to grind.

Now it is not that every person with a promising character reference will turn out to be a tyrant, it is just more likely! After all.. you have been for the interviews.

Truth be told I am possibly a little jaded as my ‘charming and charismatic’ director is currently driving me up the pole! The worst part is – he is not actually doing anything particularly note worthy (today) to achieve this.

When I first got my job here (almost 5 years ago) I was over awed. My first permanent position. I accepted the role in a cold sweat with heart pounding, not from excitement you understand but fear! I was terrified of taking on a permanent position, for years I had flitted from one job to another leaving when I got bored or people irritated me. Now – well, now I had committed myself to being patient, loyal, a proper member of a team….permanent. Trust me, the only time I wanted to have any of these feelings was the day I got married. Going permanent was a bit too much like a life commitment for me.

However, Americo and I were looking to buy our first house and I suppose there really does come a time when you have to grow up.

So I started at the XXXX, it was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I actually had to work! No more endlessly surfing the internet, chatting on the phone and generally chilling out. Nope – I had (wait for it) – RESPONSIBILITIES! Ugh.

Two weeks in I was ready to walk out, Mr B got right up my nose, however Americo talked me round and persuaded me to stick it out for at least 3 months. Eventually Mr B and I fell into a rapport; surprisingly we actually worked quite well. He attempted to be a pain in the ar*e and I steadfastly refused to deal with any of that nonsense … safe in the knowledge that whenever I got bored of playing work, I could walk out!

Anyway, after being here for some considerable time I have noticed certain traits. There are few people in our office who appreciate Mr B. he tends to operate in self destruct mode. Colleagues see him coming and shrink into the shadows (metephorically speaking). Which leads us back to the Job Description where a colleague and I were chuckling about the things you would not put in..

We guarantee that this role will be a challenge, the biggest of which will be to control the desperate urge to fling yourself out a window. Drugs are a necessity, either recreational or prescriptive - you WILL need a crutch. We promise to corrode all self confidence. You will begin to see this torment as a normal cycle of life, like a beaten dog you will spend your days cowering in the corner waiting for the next kick to come. At night you will curl in to a ball gently rocking yourself to sleep and wondering ... what you did to deserve this?

TUESDAY RAMBLINGS

Time seems to be flying by at the moment with Christmas steadily creeping up and only 6 weeks until we fly off to Australia. Aaaah the preparations! I have told you about my disastrous bikini shopping experience, the bikini was perfect, I should have looked fabulous however (and I am firmly sticking with this) the lighting was very unflattering. So I have been attempting to get myself a six pack by doing exercises. Painful! I just do not get fitness nuts – surely there are more entertaining things out there??? Mind you I am rather lacking in dedication; I can just imagine Americo vigorously nodding his head at this, whilst babbling on about “NO PAIN NO GAIN!” .. whatever!

Unfortunately the proof is, literally, in the pudding and I am sad to say there shall be no more pudding for me! A dire turn of events I am sure you will agree.

The neighbours are beginning to think I have lost the plot as they see me outside (in the bitter cold) with my skipping rope - attempting to work up a sweat. If I am honest I can only muster about 10 minutes of enthusiasm before I begin to wonder .. when was this EVER fun? Kids love skipping, I loved skipping, what on earth changed?

So to make the world resemble a better place I have booked myself a haircut. New style, new colour – new me!

WHAT A DAY

I have been struggling to get out of bed the last few days, when the alarm goes off the room is still murky with a slight nip in the air, whilst my bed is toasty warm with Americo in it.

Yesterday my alarm buzzed into action and I pressed snooze, once, twice… after that I must have lost consciousness. When I resurfaced, I woke with a feeling of contentment, safe and happy and - WHAT - five minutes before I had to leave the house!

I leapt out of bed, raced to the bathroom, frantically brushing my teeth whilst scouring the cupboard for something to wear. Obviously not something in need of an iron.

Americo meanwhile briefly raised his head to see what all the fuss was about, before pulling the duvet more securely under his chin and mumbling “mm, late too”. Clearly not!

I (just) managed to get my self dressed, dashing out the house in record time, with a vague resemblance to Cruella DeVille - minus the fur.

LATE! But not late enough not to grab a mocha chilla (my new addiction) from the coffee shop.

By now I was seriously late; rushing to the office whilst attempting to juggle my mocha chilla, umbrella and handbag – when my phone rang. It was an employment friend of mine who I wanted to ask a favour of, so I couldn’t exactly rush things.

Eventually I made it into the office only to see that everyone was in the boardroom. Bollocks! Forgot all about the 9 o’clock meeting. Who in their right mind books a meeting for 9am?? Clearly ridiculous morning people! Or the Australian…..

After all the excitement of the morning my day settled into an impression of normality. I say impression as things are not really normal – for instance, I don’t usually have my resume floating about the ether in the hopes of snagging some fabulous job … elsewhere. Anyhow, we do what we need to do, hmm?

By the time 5.30pm rolled by the day had disintegrated, weather wise, with pouring rain and huge puddles. St Pauls, the tube station, was flooded with people, everyone being a little more cautious as umbrellas dripped, creating a slick mess on the floor.

To say I was thankful to be going home would be an understatement. I was thrilled to be almost home; moments from the door I was already creating a list of priorities - out of the rain, out of sopping trousers, into nice hot bath ……….. cigarette.

Propping my umbrella up against the wall I scratched about in my bag for the keys. Hmm? More scrabbling – nothing.

In desperation I emptied the bag onto the front step then sat down next to the upended contents, rolled a cigarette and thought “sod it; I’ve left my keys in the house!”

CHANGES

I cannot tell you how many times I have sat down to write this blog before something interrupts! No more I say… there will be a post today!

The thing is there are just so many changes in the air… sounds intriguing – doesn’t it?

This week has brought with it the start of Autumn – after an unseasonably pleasant two weeks it has all come as a bit of a shock to the system. The mornings are grey and dreary with a slight bite in the air and the trees are beginning to loose their summer foliage. In fact it seems to me that autumn is the perfect time of year to make decisions as the land is shrouded in change.

My first change is that I am looking for a new job. I am sure you have all noticed that recently I have been feeling a little disgruntled with my work life. Admittedly most of it is minor irritations that everyone has, but there has been a rather off putting undertone running about the office. So, I have updated my C.V. and sent it out into the big bad world of employment.

Today I called my first agency, this is the part I hate! Employment agents are like the guard at the gate, you don’t have a snowball’s chance in … if the person who you speak to doesn’t like you. I believe more practice is required as I feel incredibly guilty that I am putting a toe in the market.

I will have to keep you updated on my progress with this – that is if I don’t get bored of looking before I find something. Honestly – it is a possibility!

My other change is that I am (seriously) starting to do exercise. I know that I am usually all talk and no action in this department however bikini buying shed a WHOLE new light on things! So my mantra for the next few weeks it – I must be good, I must be good.

Tonight is my second session of home gyming – I am looking forward to it*.

* if you believe that, you really will believe anything.