AN HONEST JOB DESCRIPTION?

We are looking for a new professional at our office and I briefly assisted with wording the Job Description that is about to be published. Thing is, JD’s, like CV’s are an interesting blend of fact and fiction! The facts are obvious, you will be required to do X, Y and Z. The possible fiction is in the description….

Our charming, charismatic CEO is looking for XXXX to join our flourishing team. The role will be challenging with a diverse work load. Yadda, Yadda – I am sure you’ve all seen this before. Once you read a few JD’s you begin to sift through the make believe, for instance, the minute a person’s characteristics are over exaggerated you immediately apply the “opposite theory” – charming and charismatic begins to resemble awful taskmaster with an axe to grind.

Now it is not that every person with a promising character reference will turn out to be a tyrant, it is just more likely! After all.. you have been for the interviews.

Truth be told I am possibly a little jaded as my ‘charming and charismatic’ director is currently driving me up the pole! The worst part is – he is not actually doing anything particularly note worthy (today) to achieve this.

When I first got my job here (almost 5 years ago) I was over awed. My first permanent position. I accepted the role in a cold sweat with heart pounding, not from excitement you understand but fear! I was terrified of taking on a permanent position, for years I had flitted from one job to another leaving when I got bored or people irritated me. Now – well, now I had committed myself to being patient, loyal, a proper member of a team….permanent. Trust me, the only time I wanted to have any of these feelings was the day I got married. Going permanent was a bit too much like a life commitment for me.

However, Americo and I were looking to buy our first house and I suppose there really does come a time when you have to grow up.

So I started at the XXXX, it was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I actually had to work! No more endlessly surfing the internet, chatting on the phone and generally chilling out. Nope – I had (wait for it) – RESPONSIBILITIES! Ugh.

Two weeks in I was ready to walk out, Mr B got right up my nose, however Americo talked me round and persuaded me to stick it out for at least 3 months. Eventually Mr B and I fell into a rapport; surprisingly we actually worked quite well. He attempted to be a pain in the ar*e and I steadfastly refused to deal with any of that nonsense … safe in the knowledge that whenever I got bored of playing work, I could walk out!

Anyway, after being here for some considerable time I have noticed certain traits. There are few people in our office who appreciate Mr B. he tends to operate in self destruct mode. Colleagues see him coming and shrink into the shadows (metephorically speaking). Which leads us back to the Job Description where a colleague and I were chuckling about the things you would not put in..

We guarantee that this role will be a challenge, the biggest of which will be to control the desperate urge to fling yourself out a window. Drugs are a necessity, either recreational or prescriptive - you WILL need a crutch. We promise to corrode all self confidence. You will begin to see this torment as a normal cycle of life, like a beaten dog you will spend your days cowering in the corner waiting for the next kick to come. At night you will curl in to a ball gently rocking yourself to sleep and wondering ... what you did to deserve this?

TUESDAY RAMBLINGS

Time seems to be flying by at the moment with Christmas steadily creeping up and only 6 weeks until we fly off to Australia. Aaaah the preparations! I have told you about my disastrous bikini shopping experience, the bikini was perfect, I should have looked fabulous however (and I am firmly sticking with this) the lighting was very unflattering. So I have been attempting to get myself a six pack by doing exercises. Painful! I just do not get fitness nuts – surely there are more entertaining things out there??? Mind you I am rather lacking in dedication; I can just imagine Americo vigorously nodding his head at this, whilst babbling on about “NO PAIN NO GAIN!” .. whatever!

Unfortunately the proof is, literally, in the pudding and I am sad to say there shall be no more pudding for me! A dire turn of events I am sure you will agree.

The neighbours are beginning to think I have lost the plot as they see me outside (in the bitter cold) with my skipping rope - attempting to work up a sweat. If I am honest I can only muster about 10 minutes of enthusiasm before I begin to wonder .. when was this EVER fun? Kids love skipping, I loved skipping, what on earth changed?

So to make the world resemble a better place I have booked myself a haircut. New style, new colour – new me!

WHAT A DAY

I have been struggling to get out of bed the last few days, when the alarm goes off the room is still murky with a slight nip in the air, whilst my bed is toasty warm with Americo in it.

Yesterday my alarm buzzed into action and I pressed snooze, once, twice… after that I must have lost consciousness. When I resurfaced, I woke with a feeling of contentment, safe and happy and - WHAT - five minutes before I had to leave the house!

I leapt out of bed, raced to the bathroom, frantically brushing my teeth whilst scouring the cupboard for something to wear. Obviously not something in need of an iron.

Americo meanwhile briefly raised his head to see what all the fuss was about, before pulling the duvet more securely under his chin and mumbling “mm, late too”. Clearly not!

I (just) managed to get my self dressed, dashing out the house in record time, with a vague resemblance to Cruella DeVille - minus the fur.

LATE! But not late enough not to grab a mocha chilla (my new addiction) from the coffee shop.

By now I was seriously late; rushing to the office whilst attempting to juggle my mocha chilla, umbrella and handbag – when my phone rang. It was an employment friend of mine who I wanted to ask a favour of, so I couldn’t exactly rush things.

Eventually I made it into the office only to see that everyone was in the boardroom. Bollocks! Forgot all about the 9 o’clock meeting. Who in their right mind books a meeting for 9am?? Clearly ridiculous morning people! Or the Australian…..

After all the excitement of the morning my day settled into an impression of normality. I say impression as things are not really normal – for instance, I don’t usually have my resume floating about the ether in the hopes of snagging some fabulous job … elsewhere. Anyhow, we do what we need to do, hmm?

By the time 5.30pm rolled by the day had disintegrated, weather wise, with pouring rain and huge puddles. St Pauls, the tube station, was flooded with people, everyone being a little more cautious as umbrellas dripped, creating a slick mess on the floor.

To say I was thankful to be going home would be an understatement. I was thrilled to be almost home; moments from the door I was already creating a list of priorities - out of the rain, out of sopping trousers, into nice hot bath ……….. cigarette.

Propping my umbrella up against the wall I scratched about in my bag for the keys. Hmm? More scrabbling – nothing.

In desperation I emptied the bag onto the front step then sat down next to the upended contents, rolled a cigarette and thought “sod it; I’ve left my keys in the house!”

CHANGES

I cannot tell you how many times I have sat down to write this blog before something interrupts! No more I say… there will be a post today!

The thing is there are just so many changes in the air… sounds intriguing – doesn’t it?

This week has brought with it the start of Autumn – after an unseasonably pleasant two weeks it has all come as a bit of a shock to the system. The mornings are grey and dreary with a slight bite in the air and the trees are beginning to loose their summer foliage. In fact it seems to me that autumn is the perfect time of year to make decisions as the land is shrouded in change.

My first change is that I am looking for a new job. I am sure you have all noticed that recently I have been feeling a little disgruntled with my work life. Admittedly most of it is minor irritations that everyone has, but there has been a rather off putting undertone running about the office. So, I have updated my C.V. and sent it out into the big bad world of employment.

Today I called my first agency, this is the part I hate! Employment agents are like the guard at the gate, you don’t have a snowball’s chance in … if the person who you speak to doesn’t like you. I believe more practice is required as I feel incredibly guilty that I am putting a toe in the market.

I will have to keep you updated on my progress with this – that is if I don’t get bored of looking before I find something. Honestly – it is a possibility!

My other change is that I am (seriously) starting to do exercise. I know that I am usually all talk and no action in this department however bikini buying shed a WHOLE new light on things! So my mantra for the next few weeks it – I must be good, I must be good.

Tonight is my second session of home gyming – I am looking forward to it*.

* if you believe that, you really will believe anything.