WHO STOLE THE 'R'

I love my job, but recently I have realised that is it not so much a career that I am after, more a, what is the word … oh yes! Paycheque. Truly this is what makes me wake up in the morning, smile at people who irritate me and answer stupid questions.

Today, for instance, my esteemed leader and commander is arguing that there are computer pixies mysteriously stealing R’s from our correspondence. Interestingly though these, computer R stealing nymphs, only steal the R’s from youR, thereby turning all sensible e-mails into a confused mix of you’s instead of your’s! Obviously there is a highly organised, R stealing, gang roving about our office cyberspace.

This has been a long standing debate, with me, (patiently) trying to explain that dropping an R from your is a fairly common typing error. HE, however is sticking firmly to the fact that gremlins and goblins are trying to take over the world, one R at a time.

TROUBLE!

Last night Americo and I were chatting about my weekend away for S’s hen party and my realisation that on occasion I can be slightly outspoken. I have never really considered myself an outrageous person but, judging but the occasional shocked expressions at some of my comments, it would seem I am.

For S’s party we each bought a gift and had to write a little poem to help her guess who the donor was. I must admit my poem was incredibly naff, along the lines of .. ‘roses are red..’ but the card I wrote it on was brilliant. S took one look at the card, without reading the poem and said ‘YOU!’. So what gave it away? Well my poem was written on a little postcard with the picture of a 1950’s housewife and the following written on it “if you want breakfast in bed… you had better sleep in the kitchen”. Sooo my train of thought!

This morning I was in trouble with Americo. He, being an accountant, is very good at keeping ALL paperwork and receipts. I, on the other hand, am really quite crap. So why was I in trouble? Well, last year we bought a new iron, said iron gave up the ghost a few weeks back and is still under guarantee. However, as I bought the iron chances are that I have chucked the receipt, (I mean IT WAS ALMOST A YEAR AGO!) and therefore we cannot get our money back. So we have had the broken iron sitting by the new – working – iron and mocking Americo that he chose the most rubbish wife of the lot, who never pays any attention to the paperwork! The good news is that he has decided to keep me as I make a mean oxtail stew and may refuse to feed him if he doesn’t!

Thankfully marital bliss has been restored and all is once again right with the world.

LADIES ON TOUR

Well I am back, and I survived!

Friday I was up at the crack of dawn to meet my cousin, S, at the airport and begin the long drive down to Plymouth for her hen party.

Tee is nothing if not organised. Never mind that she has a 3 month old baby, she single handedly organised her sister’s hen party to perfection.

We arrived at our country cottage, miles from civilisation with absolutely no mobile signal but plenty of booze. The cottage had two fridges, luckily, as one was dedicated to booze - beer, champagne, wine etc, etc, etc. The other, half fridge, was ram packed with all the food for the weekend. In true Lowry fashion a ‘top shelf’ was also provided – this consisted of all the ‘hard’ liquor, including but not restricted too vodka, whisky, gin, rum, paint stripper and shooters. Thus began our weekend…..

One of the main targets was to shift the booze from full bottles on the left side of the room to empty vessels on the right. I have to admit we did a fairly admirable job with many a hangover successfully achieved.

S was dressed up as befits the hen complaining loudly and threatening retribution on all unmarried women in the group.

We all had a wonderful weekend and I now firmly believe more people should get married. Never mind the happily ever after – it is all about the parties beforehand!!

Americo, along with all the other husbands and boyfriends, was completely neglected due to the lack of mobile signal. I called him once we had left the ‘dead zone’ to find out how his weekend of manly bliss had been…

In the past 5 years Americo and I have spent a grand total of about 3 months apart. Since we bought our first house, 3 years ago, he has never really spent a night alone. So this weekend was a first and he did not like it! Even the vacuuming could not take his mind off things, so much so he slept in the spare bedroom because it was too lonely in our bed.

Ahh love!

GIRLS WEEKEND..

This weekend I am off to commiserate the loss of a single friend as another fabulous lady falls to the lure of home and husband. So ladies and gentlemen I shall not be writing tomorrow but will give a full update of a, hopefully, debaucher-ous few days with the girls. To this end I have surfed the internet and scoured the recesses of dodgy shops looking for suitably embarrassing gifts – my personal favourites are peppermint peckers… and fizzy willies! Hahahhaha brilliant! I won’t mention the games said gifts are prizes for; lets just leave that to the imagination.

And what shall Americo be doing whilst I am dashing about the countryside I hear you ask? Well, hopefully the vacuuming - as a therapeutic means of keeping his mind off how much he will be missing me!

MORNING!

Yesterday I was grouchy, as I have mentioned before mornings are not my time of day but yesterday I had an extreme reaction to the alarm clock. Said alarm clock being Americo’s going off at 5:45am! 5.45 in the morning is not a time, it is a death sentence..

When my alarm went off at just after 7 I rolled over to see ‘himself’ slumbering sweetly next to me. This elevated my frustration levels, I don’t mind being woken up for a purpose i.e he gets out of bed and goes to work, but to be woken up just for jollies.

Anyhow I clambered out of bed and, looking down at his sleeping form, flicked on the lights and whipped off the duvet. Aaaah satisfaction! Americo meanwhile did not know what had hit him, looking up at me with questioning eyes I pulled the pillow and said ‘Out!’.

Americo and I have been together for close on 6 years, he knows my wonderful character quirks, he also knows that if he wishes to get up at any hour before me, too………..

JUMP out of bed as though the bats of hell were after his soul!

VALENTINE BE MINE

I used to love Valentines Day when I was at school but with age comes cynicism - there is nothing romantic about being forced into romance. Saying that I am not at all averse to Americo rushing home with a big bunch of flowers, on any other day of the year!!

This year we were anti-valentines, our Saturday was spent doing paperwork. Not just any paperwork though, we sat down to do our Wills.

Initially I thought that this would be a fairly simple task to attend too. I was misled. There are so many possibilities you have to look into. What happens if I die, or he dies, or WE die, where does everything go if we have children OR don’t have children and so it went on, and on until well into the night.

This is obviously a really macabre topic but in some respects it is possibly the most romantic thing we are ever likely to do. Oh I am not suggesting it is romantic in a mainstream kind of way and trust me a new Will every year is not going to replace the red roses, but…

There is a huge commitment when you sit down and contemplate mortality, knowing that both parties care enough to take care of the other, even in death. Neither of us want to be in a situation where should the worse happen it is made even worse by the fact that there is no Will.

So, if you love somebody go out and do your Will today! ;0)

INVASIONS .. AGAIN!

Last night I received a call from my cousin whose mother’s farm has been invaded… again. My aunt no longer lives on the farm but rents it out to a young family. Anyhow I don’t know the full details, or whether anyone was hurt, but hearing these things starts an immediate chain reaction.

I call Americo to top up our phone card and desperately try to reach my parents. They only have mobile phones and signal in Zim is erratic, at the best of times. It takes about 30 minutes of continuous redialling to eventually, possibly, MAYBE get a ringing tone.

These calls of potential threats to family and friends happen often. I have learnt to control my urge to panic and realise that the chances are my parents will be okay… eventually I will manage to get through. That is the logical side of my brain, but a little voice whispers.. ‘yes, but what if this time it’s different?’

This week Zimbabwean’s had so much hope for our country. Yes Mugabe is still the figurehead but change is coming our way. I wish I could say that my voice joined those of the true optimistic, but it did not. I have watched Zimbabwe flounder and fail so many times, had my hopes dashed and watched my parents struggle in a doomed economy.

Now just as there is a resurgence of hope what happens? Well the ‘war veterans’ have been advised that they have carte blanch to re-invade land, even those properties returned via court order. The story has it that this spate of lawlessness includes an expiry date of 21st February 2009 – ironically Mr M’s B.day celebrations are on this day.

It makes you wonder what little bobby dazzler he has up his sleeve? Rumours are rife that the ‘high chief’ will be retiring after his b.day. We shall see, we shall see.

In the meantime it looks as though things for Mr Tsvangirai will be off to burning start..

Family, babies…WHAT?

There are many questions in life but the two that carry the most pressure are -
1. When are you getting married? Followed swiftly by;
2. When are you having kids?

I am sure the girls will have noticed that men NEVER get bombarded with these questions, it is always the woman. The truth is that, for the most part, we are hard wired, well, can you blame us? Let me explain…

Throughout the ages spinsterhood has never been something to aspire too. When I was about 21 an elderly aunt turned to me and said, “My dear, you need to start settling down – don’t want to be left all alone on the shelf now, do we?”. Lets face it, when you reach a certain age and have not yet managed to snag yourself a man you begin to feel certain pressures. Once you have got said man the pressures increase and the above two questions start coming to the fore.

Men on the other hand have it great. They are bachelors, even the word sounds exciting. No single female shouts from the roof tops .. ‘I’m a SPINSTER!’. But the boys are BACHELORS, it is cool, suave with a devil may care attitude thrown in for spice. It doesn’t matter if you’re 35, living with mom and a belly spilling over your trousers .. you’re a single manly stud!

Getting married evens things out, there is only one label and one more question… that’s right folks – when are you having kids. The bells have barely stopped ringing before this question rears its head.

The thing is, what if you don’t want kids? (how controversial)

Luckily we do not have to answer that question as the fact is we would like to have children. At some stage… therein lies the problem! Grand-children, nephews, nieces and cousins are expected, sooner rather than later. A few months a go my 6 year old niece requested that we produce another cousin for her as soon as possible, oh if it were that simple.

For instance, when are you ready to take that leap? In the 21st century people are waiting longer to get married and have children. You’ve now had that much more time to live a delightfully selfish existence. All that FREEDOM.

I suppose the trick is not to think about it, close your eyes and leap blindly into the abyss of parenthood with a packet of wet wipes in one hand and every emergency number you know in the other!!

FINDING HOME

Last night Americo and I sat down to the news and watched the devastation the fires in Australia have caused. There are some amazing stories of heroism and awful tales of loss. Our thoughts go out to the Australians at this time.

Actually our thoughts have been on Australia a lot recently. We are debating the pro’s and con’s of shifting to the other side of the universe. This is a topic that has had much mileage in our household. As much as I love my life here, in London, I really love the sun more!! In an ideal world we would be going home. Sadly though there is now no home to go to. We are of the lost Zimbabwean generation – two of millions that left always expecting to go back, only to find that there is nothing to go back too. And so we must find ourselves a new heritage.

Our search has been extensive, including a little sojourn into Mozambique. It was a fated trip from the beginning…

We had borrowed my sister in law’s car for the journey from Nelspruit to Maputo. The night before we were due to leave the mechanism for the automatic window broke so we sealed it in the ‘up right position’. Off we set in the sweltering December heat with our unopening driver’s side window for the border of South Africa & Mozambique. How to explain the border control…. Basically I sat in a delightfully air conditioned room, handed my passport over to some fellow who, for a small fee, got it stamped and cleared ready for entry into Moz – all this done without me once setting foot into the customs office. In any other country this would SO not be permitted but hey! Onwards to Maputo…

As I mentioned the window on Americo’s side of the car was sealed shut so every toll we came to he basically had to open the door, undo his seatbelt, step out of the car and hand over the cash. A long and drawn out process that, when you are stopped at roadblocks manned by police carrying AK47’s, becomes somewhat life threatening. I feel I should mention here that while some nations excel in sports, cultural diversity and so on Mozambique has taken corruption and honed it into a fine art form. The police are so crooked they make a zig zag look straight. In fact, I wonder how any illegal activity ends with a prison sentence as I feel that moral standards are left to the highest bidder!

So saying, YES we did get stopped by the police and YES we did have to pay a ‘fee’. Actually we were stopped by the police numerous times all desperately seeking something, anything.. At our last road block finding that there was nothing to hold us for, (we having become quite savvy) the copper requested that we drive to the nearest supermarket and grab him a drink – all that thirsty work! Thus we ended our trip to Moz

Once safely back on South African soil we were chatting to a bloke who contracts in Moz for a large company. He was very sympathetic about our bribery problems saying..

“If I had known you were going I would have given you my card”.

“Card?” asks Americo

“Ja man, the company pays a ‘donation’ annually to the police force, show them the card and no problems”.

Anyway we decided that Mozambique was not for us. It is fine for a holiday far, far away from civilisation, in the middle of the bush, but not for us who stupidly believe the police should be of some assistance!!

So we look to Australia and carry on hoping for Zimbabwe.

INTEREST RATE CUT

In case you haven’t already heard the Bank of England has dropped its base rate 0.5% points to 1%. Since the inception of the BoE this is their lowest rate ever. There are concerns throughout the financial sector that this is going to bring on more banking woes.

With interest rates so low people will not be keen on putting their savings into bank accounts, anyone with cash will be looking to invest this for a more lucrative return. And so begins another downwards spiral… with the general populous not investing their savings into banks, they (the banks) are concerned that there will be minimal funds for mortgages, with no-one able to get a mortgage, no properties will be sold etc, etc, etc. The BoE meanwhile believes that these rate cuts will help to kick start the property market however with most lenders asking for 25% deposit buying a house is still out of the reach of most people.

In some respects A & I are actually quite lucky as we bought our house last year just as everything started crashing.. okay that was not the lucky part, BUT imagine if we had had all our life savings in one of the banks that folded? We would have had nothing or still had something but been earning no interest. Anyway I love our home so it makes no difference whether it was sensible or not.

Since the recent cold snap we have been keeping our heating on at a very low but constant temperature and have noticed that our front door .. which is incredibly temperamental, has become easier to open.

You see, the minute it started raining the door swelled, it swelled so much that I could hardly get out the house. This was fine as Americo could wrestle the door into submission. Unfortunately one morning he decided to actually get up when his alarm went off and left before me. (Mornings are really not when I am at my most inspirational. In fact as a general rule I do not encourage people to talk to me until at least 10am, preferably not before 12pm and most DEFINITELY not before I have had my morning coca cola!) So down I trundle in my 5” heels, and pull open the door… only I pulled and the door did not open.

I discussed, with the door, the various merits of letting me out, namely to earn a living in order to keep on affording the mortgage…. Nothing. By this time I was running late, my hands were sore and I was losing humour – fast, plus I had to call my ‘lord and master’ to explain that due to technical difficulties I could not get out the house and would be late for work. Unsurprisingly he was sarcastic and completely unsympathetic to my cause! I tried shouting over the wall for my neighbour to HELP but my cries went unanswered, eventually I managed to coax some stranger walking outside to come and push the door from their side whilst I pulled. At last – FREEDOM!!

The Door and I have now come to an agreement…. Leave Americo to do all the opening, just as my mother told me!!

PETS

Americo loves dogs, I am sure in a past life he must have been one. When we were dating in Zimbabwe his family had a big old Alsatian. Arios was its name and he was trained as a mine sniffer, as the name suggests he cleared mines.. in Mozambique. I do not remember how Americo got to have him, I think he was retired.

Anyway, now that we are all grown up and starting our ‘proper’ adult life, you begin to think getting a pet would be nice. The thing is I don’t really like pets, I lack the dedication.

I believe this all stems from when I was growing up on the farm. My parents live in a small farming community on the border of Mozambique. Now when I say the border, I mean we are about 50 metres off the 70 metre mine field that separates Mozambique from Zimbabwe.

As a family we always had lots of pets and back then I loved dogs. The thing is most of the pets I remember came to rather violent ends. I had a beautiful Redsetter called Lady, one day I came home from school and found that Lady had run into the minefield and been blown up. The next I have in my memory is ‘midnight’, he had to be put down due to getting infected with rabies… which meant that I had to go for several rounds of jabs.

In fact, I think it was the MANY journeys to the hospital for rabies jabs that actually put me off pets! Now don’t get me wrong, I love the though of having a pet and appreciate other peoples, its just that I cannot muster the enthusiasm to follow the thought!!

Let it SNOW!

This weekend it snowed like it has not done for almost 20 years in London. I love snow, it is the one type of winter weather that brings people together. It is not like rain that can be just miserable, or wind that howls about you making you feel the dead are about to rise and conquer. No. When it snows it seems time has stopped, everything goes still and silent while soft flakes turn the whole world into a magical wonderland.

My sister stayed the weekend, she planned on going home Sunday night but was persuaded not to bother as it was already quite late. The weather had been really chilly then on Sunday the first snowflakes arrived. As darkness fell things picked up, huge flurries making the night look like icing sugar sprinkled from above. We were like kids, T & I were running up and down the street with our tongues out trying to catch the snow (Americo pretended not to know us!). Snow balls were rolled and thrown amongst many gleeful giggles.

That night we all went to bed with the curtains open, watching the snow fall. As we never really get much snow in London it was such a novelty which we were sure would all be gone by dawn. To our immense surprise and pleasure it was still snowing come the morning. Americo left extra early, predicting road chaos, whilst T & I had a quick ciggy in the snow before I left for work too.

Never has the walk to the bus stop been so much fun! Crunch, crunch, CRUNCH!! Large swathes of untouched whiteness with me, the first person to explore this new and exciting world. Sadly the busses had ALL been cancelled, on any other commuter day this would be the biggest pain in the ar*se, however nothing seems so bad in this new world. I started the hour long slog towards the station however after almost falling on my bottom decided to call the boss who, pleasure of pleasures, said to stay home, London transport systems were broken.

And so began our wonderful ‘snow day’, T & I popped into the shop for supplies, went home and proceed to play cards and ‘snow scrabble’ interspersed with a soirée into the snow fight street wars outside. .

Let it snow, let it snow… let it snow!!