THAT DAMN LEAK..

A few weeks ago I mentioned the leak at our tenanted property and all the chaos that has ensued. Sadly the saga continues with either Americo or myself at the house every week with the drying company checking on progress.

The problem is monumental and seemingly never ending. With the continual bad news ranging from “it is taking MUCH longer to dry than initially anticipated” to “hhhhmmm ‘aving looked at the damage it seems we will ‘ave to replace all t’a flooring”. To our latest dilemma .. “I think you need to get a surveyor to look over the problem”. The hits are now so consistent I have mastered my banal smile and “thank you SO much for coming!”

Our tenants have, admittedly, been brilliant about this inconvenience for which I am exceedingly grateful. However this blog is not about any one else but.. ME and, occasionally, Americo! So we shall continue, without further procrastination, into today’s blog.

As I revealed a few posts back our tenants are not so convivially married. Since the leak I have had more contact with them (.. well the wife) than any other landlord known to mankind… and for all the wrong reasons! I seem to have become counsellor and confident to her.

How I managed to fall into this role is beyond me and, due to the overall bizarreness of our relationship, somewhat odd! Regardless, for the last 6 weeks she has called or texted sometimes every day, maybe once a day but certainly every other day. I, in turn, have struggled with my natural compassion whilst trying to keep our relationship on a friendly, but business footing.

Needless to say I seem to have failed! I am now fully acquainted with the inner workings of her mind. I familiar with her relationship history - current and past, education, family … basically I am, as they say, in the ‘Know’.

However as ‘in the know’ as I am, I was completely sidelined when she called up last week with the below request.

Wife:- “Hi – blah blah whole lot of mundane how are you yadda yadda.”
Me:- “Response to the mundane – yes fine, hope to have the machines out the house.. sorry for the inconvenience etc.”
Wife:- “I am now moving out on the 27th, my new flat has been confirmed.”
Me:- “Oh good, congratulations. You and have made a plan re rental of our property….(see how professional I was?)”
Wife:- “Anyway, I just wanted to check how big your car is?”
Me:- “mmm why?”
Wife:- “Well to make sure it will fit all my stuff when you help me move out next weekend.”
ME…………………?*
* picture a fish out of water, mouth opening and closing A LOT whilst trying to make sound come out!

And this, good people, is my life! I am not sure if I invite all the crazy in or if it just seeks me out, but find me it does.

ABOUT THAT DISCUSSION....

The other day I thought it would be quite fun to have a review of my Blog and, I am sad to report, there has been a definite slide in postings! I would love to suggest that, due to all the fabulousness of life, I have neglected my favourite hobby (how I wish this were the case). Instead, I fear that my recent restlessness is to blame, I realise that change is coming – but really, it is just not FAST enough!

As I am sure you can imagine there are so many debates and conversations on the pros and cons of this and that, that you eventually begin to wonder … what did we decide on in the end?? Before I proceed I should bring you up to date on the main topics;

Australia:- We are progressing with our application so the major point on this subject is, how long before we get a yes or a no? It could be anywhere from 6 months to 3 years and, of course, there is the change in regulations .. complication!

MBA:- Americo wants to do his MBA and so has to decide on a university. Discussion Points:- Which Uni? Should it be correspondence or part-time? Where will we be? The questions on this are endless, but I think you get the general idea.

Ex-Pat Work:- Basically this is an unwelcome complication to the ‘game plan’! I am desperate to leave the UK, having now reached the proverbial “end of the line”. Logic says what is one more year.. or two? However, the illogical side, is clamouring to be heard and says – NOW, immediately, pronto, with great haste…. Lets get packing.

The other night Americo and I were discussing the merits of doing his MBA course by correspondence versus part time. I was quite charmed with the idea of correspondence, my mind skipping excitedly ahead, already anticipating our departure from these muddy shores! The next day I helpfully hit the Internet seeking out expatriate job opportunities and e-mailing them to my dearest. After a couple of days, feeling somewhat disappointed by his lack of enthusiasm, I broached the subject over dinner.

He looks at me, quite perplexedly saying… “Why are you e-mailing me all these jobs anyway? We agreed that I would do my MBA.”

I gaze back, equally confused, saying “Yeeees, by correspondence.”

By the end of our debate what we realised (and I have a particular talent for this) is that I had basically advanced our conversation much further. To my mind we had already agreed that expat was the way forward and I, accordingly, had proceeded with this plan, in the happy knowledge that Americo would know exactly what was going on.

Americo, on the other hand, was feeling slightly confused .. wondering why I keep changing the goal posts. Only, in my mind, the goal posts are exactly where they were supposed to be!

As in the story of the World War One message, which started life as "Send reinforcements, we are going to advance". It was then passed, verbally, from one runner to another and, upon reaching its destination, came out as "Send three and fourpence, we are going to a dance" .. a clear sign of ex-communication ……!

STOP THE WORLD

They say things happen in threes, my first disappointment occurred the other week when, purely due to my own stupidity, I was not called back for a second interview. Oh woe is the world of instant communication, one little slip of the curser and hey presto I attached the wrong resume complete with a word missing… Sadly there is no excuse aside from paying more attention to work rather than finding work. Hey ho, the search continues.

Our second frustration is that Australian Immigration is doing a complete revamp of their points system, tightening up their borders and attempting to dissuade any waifs and strays from applying (unless highly educated!). This puts quite an obvious spanner in our plans as we do not yet know what the changes will be and, potentially, we may not have enough points to complete our application. However, we live in hope and are therefore ploughing ahead with gathering the information they require in the hopes that we might get our papers through before the changes. To that end Americo is writing his English test this weekend – a highlight in his life, I can assure you! He is feeling very hard done by that due to his Portuguese passport he clearly does not fully comprehend the lingo! Personally I am very smug with my British passport … no test required as CLEARLY, I speak the Queens English.

Now for the icing on this cake of woe..

The other day we popped over to our tenanted property as the washing machine was leaking, whilst there the tenants mentioned that the floor was lifting between the kitchen and the dining room. About two weeks later, having finalised suitable dates for the handy man to go forth and repair, we got a call……

The handyman explained that the problem with our floor is that there appears to be a leak, somewhere, which we will need to have seen to. Happily he carried on with his repair job regardless, only calling us after completing the work; I would liken his efforts to putting a band-aid on a severed leg – but I digress. We get the call and both realised that leaks, under the floor, are never likely to be good news. Although everyone else seemed quite casual about the prospect of the house floating off into the world!

Unable to get hold of the tenants we dashed over to see if they might be there, thankfully they were and that is where the good news begins and ends.

They pointed us in the direction of the leak, from a metre away I could hear it gushing out of the pipe, unseen and creating all kinds of havoc. We immediately called our insurers, spending the rest of the weekend in dialog and between one house and the other. Arranging a hotel for the tenants as water had to be switched off at the mains. Needless to say it was all incredibly stressful and highly dull to write about. The end result is this…

.. Two thirds of the floor needs to be replaced, the joists are soaked, dehumidifiers need to be brought in - all in all I am considering alcoholism as an escape route from the chaos!

You would think it ends there, but no.. the renters are having marital problems and it seems I have been relegated to the post of agony aunt. I am not quite sure how this situation came about as, quite frankly, I have some fairly major issues of my own. However, she is kindly keeping me updated with regular text messages highlighting the ruin of their relationship.

No, no, life really could not get much better than this!

In the News today..

Occasionally I find some little gem in the news that has me giggling on my way to work. Today’s was about Tesco implementing a dress code as shoppers in Cardiff have been tumbling out of bed, throwing on their slippers and heading off to do the grocery shopping. Brilliant!

I know this comes across as incredibly snobby.. but, I’m okay with that.

What has happened to personal pride? Surely having made the effort to leave the house it’s not that much of an ask to take a shower and get dressed. I would be mortified if I were caught slobbing about my local grocery store in dodgy old slippers, hair yanked back. Actually, it is not so much the pyjamas, I think, for me, it is more what this represents, the slovenly action of being too lazy to make an effort. That this is a regular way of life.

So, have a read and let me know your thoughts.

READ ME

THE BATTLEAXE...

Our dear friend Trevor moved off to the bright lights of North Sheen about a year ago. He and some friend rented this beautiful house, in a quiet neighbourhood..

Not long after they had moved in Americo and I went to visit, London streets are notoriously awful for parking so we were thrilled when we noticed a parking space virtually outside their front door. Yay! We zipped in and dashed into the house.. not before noticing this little old biddy staring murderously at us. Oh well. We mentioned the crazy to Trev who explained that she is very territorial about anyone parking in front of her house… Even though she has no car… and potentially visitors!

Anyway, this Sunday we thought we would pop in and see Trevor – it was reasonably early in the evening and, surprisingly, there was loads of parking. As we weren’t sure he was home Americo idled the car whilst I jumped out the car to bang on the door. Unfortunately my knocks went unanswered, along with calling through the letterbox. Anyhow, I turned to go back to the car when the Battleaxe (as she will now be referred to) came charging out the house.

“Move your car, Move your car.”

Jump back lady, clearly not staying long as the engine is still on (ready for our fast get away from the madness!). I got back in the car and Americo, having witnessed this bizarre behaviour asked what was going on. I explained that she didn’t like where we were parked, even though, only the nose of the car could have been venturing anywhere near her sight.

There she stood, the crazy old coot, in her blue dressing gown glaring at us through her living room window.

We thought we would give Trev one last call before heading for home (tenacious aren’t we?). He hadn’t heard my knocking as he was somewhat preoccupied, hurling his guts out in the toilet. What can I say, we have perfect timing. But don’t go feeling too sorry for Trevie, it was all self induced!

So The Battleaxe watched us get out the car and, not wanting to loose her opportunity she pounced as we reached the door. Shouting in a heavily accented voice to “move the car – move the car!”.

Mmmmmm, I rushed the house, Americo pretended oblivion and Trevor was too dazed to take anything in!

Seriously! Has no one ever heard a teaspoon of sugar does a lot more that a bottle of vinigar?

SUNDAY, The new Saturday?

Sunday’s seem to have become our new Saturday but sadly Monday is still… MONDAY! This has been quite an emotional week for me, I had an early morning meeting about some things on Tuesday – sounds mysterious, doesn’t it? When I know the overall outcome I promise to share, but until then I don’t want to jinx it.

Saturday we went to Sara & Colin’s for his birthday we had a lovely evening but I somehow ended up as designated driver. I find driving in the UK an incredibly traumatic experience. My palms get sweaty, my heart races and the thought of over an hours drive home is enough to give me palpitations. Americo thinks I am absolutely ridiculous, which in turn leads to more stress! Anyway, homeward we drove, me shaking like a jelly whilst Americo quietly criticised. He will say he doesn’t but I KNOW HE DOES!

Weekends, for us, are no longer time spent to lounge about accumulating a big arse. Oh no! Things need to be done and, with our hopes for Australia, Saturday & Sunday are our only times. Saturday was spent doing all the mundane chores that I knew we would have no inclination towards on Sunday (washing, cleaning .. ugh) whilst Americo industriously updated his CV etc. Then it was time to party.

Arrived home just after 3am, both having survived the hair raising journey. To be honest, I think I was the only one truly terrified!

Sunday dawned (well we woke up at 11), grey and slightly less miserable than last weekend but not much of an improvement. Off we went to Storme & Ian’s, who had very kindly agreed to sign our Wills, just so there is no confusion about what to do with all our debt. Even more kindly, they invited us to an early dinner - meatballs and treats, we were completely spoilt.

We popped round to Trevor’s but I feel the experience deserves a whole post with a little more dedication than I can give it now.. back tomorrow!

HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?

Pearl, my great friend is about to be off on her travels to places .. exotic. I must admit to being somewhat jealous as she follows the sun around the world; however I am hopeful that we will be following shortly. Anyway, as she is packing up and shipping out I am the grateful recipient of all her pot plants. Early on Saturday morning Americo and I dragged ourselves out of bed to collect our hire van and then onwards to Pearl’s. The morning dawned, grey and cold, with our TomTom refusing to registering the morning light as daytime, preferring to stay on evening colours!

We arrived, on time.. a concept Pearl is unfamiliar with and consequently she was still abed! I am sure she was only too thrilled to find Americo & I on her doorstep. Well.. I believe the actual image that greeted her was me squealing and running for cover as Americo stood like king of the hill, pelting me with snowballs. The minute she unlocked the door, without a hello or by your leave, I stormed the house! Surprisingly we did actually manage to load the plants into our van albeit with the odd snowball flying wildly. I have to mention here that in snowball fights my aim, generally rubbish, is even more impaired when under pressure. I was thrilled therefore when I managed to wallop Americo with a snowball that glanced off the van and down his shirt. JUSTICE!

It was a very slow drive home, by which stage the weather had deteriorated to a constant icy drizzle. The two of us, looking very woe begotten, unloaded the van of what seemed like millions of plants then surveyed our garden and wondered… what the hell do we do now?? I suggested that they looked perfect where they stood, kind of arty. Americo (as always!) had other ideas, no time like the present, so we set about recreating our patch of yard.

I am happy to announce it looks lovely the hours of toil paid off, but by the end of it we were drenched, muddy, cold and numb. When all was done we both stripped off at the door and ran, naked, upstairs into a steaming hot bath, curious neighbours be damned!